great ideas

I've been having so many great ideas lately, I feel it's time to get a few down on paper so that, in about 10 minutes, when someone else has the same idea and actually finds a way to make money from it, I will be able to look smug and say, "I could have done that."

GREAT IDEA NUMBER 1

Make companies and sports teams that use animals as their symbols pay endorsement fees to the World Wildlife Fund. Penguins alone would bring in a fortune, once the Pittsburgh Penguins, Linux, and countless ice- and ice cream- vending companies were forced to pay up. Of course, the animals would have to be provided with adequate financial guidance to ensure they didn't immediately blow their earnings on bling and Cadillacs for their mamas.

GREAT IDEA NUMBER 2

Rather than clubbing baby seals to save fish stocks that are already, to the best of my knowledge, past saving, I propose a brief period each spring during which anyone with the proper license can club factory trawler captains.

GREAT IDEA NUMBER 3

Someone (don't look at me) should design a "smart fridge" that determines when food is past its best-before date and pelts you with it when you open the door saying (in a computerized yet vaguely hip-hop voice that may also have to be invented - let's call this great idea 3a) "Bish, don' tell ME you plan to eat no three-month-old ricotta!"

GREAT IDEA NUMBER 4

Women's magazines featuring stories about "new" products that "really work" should be forced to list (and apologize for) all the products they've endorsed in the past that apparently don't.