Thursday, August 28, 2008

feed a fever?

I just read about a movie called "House Bunny." It's about a Playboy Bunny who runs away from Hef's mansion and takes shelter in a ... sorority.

It started me thinking up ideas for surefire Hollywood Blockbusters. (You will note it did NOT start me thinking I could get into Hef's mansion OR join a sorority. It's true, I'm suffering from a mild case of cat scratch fever - thanks to a house cat who shall remain nameless except that his name SOUNDS like "nameless" and it wasn't Francois - but it hasn't made me completely batshit.)

So, how about a movie about...a sorority sister who runs away from her sorority (Phi Kappa Boob) and takes shelter in a...BROTHEL? We could call it...BROTHEL SISTER!

Or no, wait, I've got it. How about a HOOKER who runs away from a brothel and takes shelter in the PLAYBOY MANSION? We could call it...MANSION HOOKER.

Or how about a movie about PLAYBOY BUNNY who runs away from the brothel where she took shelter in Part I, and takes shelter in a HOT TUB?! TUB BUNNY.

Wait, maybe I AM batshit...

And another thing: can you really use the same word - "movie" - to describe "The Sorrow and the Pity," "Citizen Kane," "Anything with Meryl Streep in it Except 'Mamma Mia''" and "House Bunny?" Should people (and by people, I mean other people) be required to make a distinction between "movies" and "films?" It seems that perhaps they should be, just out of respect for real cinema, but how can I MAKE them?

How about a movie where a CAT scratches a PLAYBOY BUNNY and gives her cat scratch fever so bad that when she runs away to look for shelter she ends up with the AMISH and she LIKES IT? We could call it "AMISH BUNNY," or "WITNESS."

Are the Amish even allowed to watch movies? I mean, regularly, not during their "batshit year" where they can do anything and probably wouldn't waste it just watching a movie unless they were mainlining heroin and sporting a coat with 18 zippers at the same time. (Somehow, I've always been fascinated with the idea that they're not allowed to use zippers - it's all toggle, all the time with those people. Imagine.)

I think it's time to reapply my topical antibiotic cream.

It's been nice talking to you all.

[Pictured Above: A scene from the Hollywood Blockbuster "AMISH BUNNY," coming soon to a theater near you, unless you actually are Amish.]


Shay said...

What about a MOVIE where an innocent but curious island girl escapes the island only to land in a big city whorehouse, is then saved by a bi(curious) sorostitute- but she quickly becomes part of the sorority's hazing ritual, however, during a botched game of truth or dare she lands in the arms of a nun only to be trapped by the heavy hand of her lord Jesus Christ. But again! she is saved by a gnarly closeted horny old priest who brings her to the loving arms of the gays (where he secretly frequents bathhouses) and where she lives out her days as a haggard fag hag everyone calls "Tabitha". Until after a particularly crazy night of partying she falls over a boat railing and is picked up a shrimp troller which in turn deposits her back on the shores of her home island.

You could call it...

or just...


maire said...

i've been out-fevered.